Every Team’s Offseason in One Sentence

This offseason has been a historic one. From superstars being traded for lesser packages than expected, to the Yankees being left out on all major free agents, excuse me as I attempt to sum up every team’s offseason in one sentence.

Disclaimer: This is not supposed to taken 100% seriously, and obviously, a team’s offseason efforts can not be defined in one sentence. That being said, enjoy.

(Teams listed by 2015 draft order)

Arizona Diamondbacks: Can La Russa be our manager yet?

Houston Astros: A good bullpen is all you really need.

Colorado Rockies: We got Daniel Descalso!

Texas Rangers: Man, I wish we had won that WS in ’11…would make this time period less painful.

Minnesota Twins: Long-term starting pitching deals are where it’s at!

Boston Red Sox: We have the money, why not?

Chicago White Sox: I guess we’re going for it.

Chicago Cubs:  Joe Maddon, need I say more?

Philadelphia Phillies: Ok, we give up!

Cincinnati Reds: Yeah…not really sure how this is going to work out.

Miami Marlins: Are we getting good enough for Stanton not to want to opt out in 6 years?

San Diego Padres: Who needs fielders when you have bats?

Tampa Bay Rays: How do you get to Montreal from here?

New York Mets: We could probably be doing more to win.

Atlanta Braves: We’re not rebuilding! Ok, well, sorta.

Milwaukee Brewers: We surprised last season, so why not expect that again?

Toronto Blue Jays: We’re committed to making moves again!

New York Yankees: Can we get Kuroda back?

Cleveland Indians: The money we would’ve had this offseason, we spent last one.

Seattle Mariners: We’re on Cruz control now.

San Francisco Giants: Can Lester un-sign so we can sign him?

Pittsburgh Pirates: We got A.J. Burnett back, who else do we need?

Oakland Athletics: Just pretend you’re watching Inception for the second time, it will all make sense soon enough.

Kansas City Royals: Once every 29 years is good enough, we don’t have to return.

Detroit Tigers: Give us another year to prove ourselves, c’mon.

St. Louis Cardinals: We get our shopping done before anyone else.

Los Angeles Dodgers: I have an idea: Let’s trade everyone!

Baltimore Orioles: We don’t know if our GM wants to be here or Canada.

Washington Nationals: We don’t have to do anything and were still better than you.

Los Angeles Angels: We’re great, just let us play.