Trader Jack Does It Again

It’s now June and here in Seattle the weather is gorgeous. Wait, what’s that suddenly approaching dark gray cloud bank coming in from Puget Sound? Why it’s the news that Jack Zduriencik has yet again succeeded in pulling off a brilliant trade to ensure the Seattle Mariners field a team with 6-plus options to fill the DH and 1B slots on the lineup card. It stirs suspicion that Lloyd McLendon was already aware of the trade yesterday when he exploded into a tirade that left no umpire unturned. I mean, I’m surprised he didn’t just start throwing haymakers or turn green and balloon to inhuman proportions. I know I would have, if I were Lloyd.

Within the keen mind of Trader Jack, he’s seen something special in Mark Trumbo – a struggling slugger who doesn’t hit for a high average or get on base much – and Vidal Nuno. 27-year-old Nuno’s numbers certainly indicate that he’s emerging as another Randy Johnson type. The sabermetric acumen of Zduriencik and his staff are victorious again! They decided to cut all the dead weight of Dominic Leone and Wellington Castillo. That wasn’t enough, so they gift-wrapped Jack Reinheimer with a budding young slugger in Vladimir Guerrero’s nephew, Gabriel Guerrero. He’s not just a slugger, though, he’s modeled a skill set very much like his uncle Big Bad Vlad. I wonder if Zduriencik even has scouting reports on a 20 year-old kid who can hit, hit the ball hard and far, run the bases, and unleash a cannon of an arm from the outfield. Surely, the arm is not an attractive attribute, as the Seattle Mariners’ pitching staff never lets anything get to the outfield. Oh wait, Felix doesn’t pitch every day?!? Damn, I must be getting dumber by the minute just being in the same area code as Trader Jack.

As a parting shot, I’d like to remind anyone who remotely cares anymore about the 2015 Mariners just how fierce Trumbo’s bat is when he plays at Safeco Field.

Maybe they just need to move the fences in again. I sure am glad I can’t afford season tickets. Wake me when we get a new GM, who understands that OBP doesn’t mean Open Buffet Policy, and brings a staff with computers newer than Commodore 64s. If they can hire a guy who’s name I can spell consistently, that’d be an added bonus, but not a requirement.

I’d like to dedicate this little tirade to my good friend Kris. He and his wife are expecting and he’s miserable with the thought of raising his son in a city with a baseball team whose front office appears to enjoy losing.

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