Stop Messing With My Mind: Boston Red Sox Crawling Towards .500

A while ago, David Ortiz hit an “oppo taco” (good Lord, why is an Eric Byrnes euphemism in my head?!? I have problems) to cap off a four-run bottom of the third inning for the Boston Red Sox. It was fifty shades of a Big Papi who has rapidly begun to resemble more of a Grand Papi this season.

It was nice to see the Large Father contribute some fireworks that helped the team.

Assuming that Rick Porcello – GM Ben Cherington’s version of his predecessor’s brilliant signing of John Lackey – can hang onto a four-run lead without collapsing, the Sawx will be the proud owners of a four-game winning streak.

Yep. In the time it took to write that sentence, Porcello gave up two runs on five straight hits. Of those five hits, Ichiro Suzuki just broke his longest career hitless streak of 29 hitless at bats. I knew that handing Porcello a carbon copy of Lackey’s contract was an even smarter move than buying Pablo Sandoval a mansion with an endless buffet and chocolate waterfall. Hey, at least the Detroit Tigers didn’t get much in return for Ricky the Run Machine.

Ummmmmm, crap. 

Homering to dead center at Safeco Field is pretty impressive. Granted, it was off of Fernando Rodney, who specializes in exploding the heads of fantasy owners and Seattle Mariners fans alike. I mean, the guy has four blown saves and is sailing along with a 5.29 ERA, 1.559 WHIP, and 5.02 FIP.

Quit doing that stupid arrow thing!!!!

Anyways, back to the point, a point I’ve made before: this year’s Red Sox suck. As a classic masochist, I keep watching. I keep watching, because I think Mookie Betts is going to be a brilliant twin star alongside Xander Bogaerts. They’re making it hard to choose which new Sawx jersey I want to get. I watch for Brock Holt doing everything, everywhere, at every moment. I don’t watch for Clay Buchholz, who, despite a good string of solid starts, is revolting to look at. I mean, the guy looks like a human version of the old rat in Secret of Nimh. I watch, because they are creeping back towards .500, which is at best a consolation prize for just how dreadful they’ve been. I watch, waiting for compelling moments that tickle my hope for a magical second half run. Too bad we don’t have a sulking Nomar Garciaparra to trade away.

It’s amazing just how quickly a bad season can nearly erase the memories of so many great recent years, because that seems like forever ago. Well, at least we have Alejandro De Aza. Did you know the Sox have gone 11-5 in games he starts? That’s certainly the signature move of Cherington’s career.

I think it’s high time I made a 2015 Boston Red Sox version of Cards Against Humanity.

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