This Red Sox Fan Is Already Tired Of ‘Price’ Puns

So, we are all well aware of the fact that the Boston Red Sox signed David Price on Tuesday. The deal is reportedly for seven years and $217 million. Now, I’m not shocked by the number of dollars, nor the years, as it was obviously the Sox’ way of blocking out all other contenders for Price’s services as an ace pitcher. However, I do have some funny thoughts to offer up in response to this signing. Keep in mind that I make $10/hour plus tips as a bartender. I pay my rent and bills on time and have a meager savings account; I make my way, but not anywhere near opulently.

With an AAV of $31 million and an assumed tax rate of 17 percent (which is what I pay, not sure that’s what millionaires pay, definitely a lot more), David Price will make $25.73 million in 2016. At a reasonable price point of 24 million Euros (or $25.5 million by today’s exchange rate), Price could gobble up all 340 acres of Isla de Espalmador near Spain’s southeast coast in the Balearic Sea. From the warm environs of his new island, with maritime air in his nostrils, Price could take his sailboat for a leisurely 42 km jaunt to Ibiza and party all night long.

What’s even more impressive, with the remaining $0.23 million, Price could buy 232,323 cheeseburgers at McDonald’s, assuming the 99-cent price they carried the last time I went to a Mickey-D’s. Of course, as a professional athlete, he might want to eat better than that. Unfortunately, I am currently unaware of the price per pound of arugula or broccoli in Spain, but I bet he can eat a lot of healthy greens and grains with some free-range meat thrown in from time to time. Additionally, I’m not sure there is a McDonald’s on Ibiza, let alone Isla de Espalmador.

I hope you all understand that this is all in jest. And, honestly, I don’t have a problem with the amount of money the Sox spent on Price. He’s the ace the teams needs, and there’s a good chance he’s gone after three years.

What I do truly hope is that the Sox get the pitcher, age 30 or not, who has a career .650 winning percentage. That’s not too far off  from Pedro Martinez‘s career mark of .687. That’s not to say I think that Price is the next Pedro, but even if he can be 95 percent of peak-Pedro (the ratio of winning percentages, by the way), I’ll be happier than a clam in your New England Chowder.

Yes, there are concerns about his postseason performance. For his career, Price is 2-7 with a 5.12 ERA in 63.1 innings pitched. Interestingly enough, Price’s career postseason BB/9 of 1.7 is significantly lower than his overall career BB/9 of 2.3, which contributes to his postseason WHIP being only a tick above his normal career numbers, 1.16 to 1.13, respectively. So, maybe he’s a victim of circumstance? Well, he has a career postseason FIP of 4.21, as opposed to a 3.19 regular season mark. Maybe not?

However we slice the numbers, I think the Sox are getting a bona fide, top-tier ace. Maybe his 6-1 record, with a 1.95 ERA career at Fenway Park bodes well for the next seven years. Don’t forget, Price’s opposing OPS+ at Fenway is 72, spanning 292 plate appearances, which is just about a half of a full season, so that looks good to me. He’s also surrendered only four home runs in that time, which, for a left-handed pitcher at Fenway, is a good indicator of potential success.

I guess the only remaining question is what number will Price elect to don on his jersey, seeing as that Jim Rice‘s #14 has been retired. And…maybe how many bread bowls of chowder he can eat in one sitting (14?!?).

Oh, one last thing, concerning #14: Price and Rice rhyme. Duh. Also of trivial note, 14 is exactly twice the number of World Series championships the Red Sox franchise has won. Maybe I should’ve titled this article “Twice the Price?” Damned puns, I’m sick of them!

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