Colorado Rockies: A team hypnotist
Let me explain.
Coors Field has a reputation as a hitters’ park, and rightfully so. The thin Denver air is a batter’s paradise and players’ splits certainly show it.
Therein lies the problem. No good pitcher wants to play for the Rockies because they know that they’re at a disadvantage with every home start. Who would sign a contract to pitch half of their games in a stadium that’s awful for pitchers?
Easy solution: hire a hypnotist. Take the hypnotist to a meeting with a top-tier free agent pitcher. Hypnotize the pitcher, tell him that Coors Field is a great pitchers’ park, and watch him sign his name on the dotted line. Boo-yah, Merry Christmas.
Stocking Stuffers: a cardboard cutout of Nolan Arenado to play shortstop when Jose Reyes is ultimately suspended for domestic violence.