A Christmas Wish List For All 30 MLB Teams

Toronto Blue Jays: Bacon

Source: Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images North America

Source: Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images North America

Let me be clear. I have nothing against Canada. I’m sure it’s a wonderful place. But I do have one issue: their bacon isn’t actually bacon.

As a matter of fact, their bacon is essentially ham. Very salty ham. Maybe that’s why they hit so many home runs.

The Blue Jays led Major League Baseball last season in almost every major offensive category: total runs scored, doubles, home runs, total bases, on base percentage, and slugging percentage. They were by far the best offensive team in baseball, averaging almost a full run per game more than the team with the second highest run total, the Yankees.

Slow down, Toronto. Share some runs with the rest of us. Try some normal, delicious, American bacon and maybe you will stoop to the level of your unworthy competition.

Stocking Stuffers: a pet parrot for Edwin Encarnacion, a pair of industrial hair-cutting scissors for Josh Donaldson, and a cape for Kevin Pillar to wear in the outfield.

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