Washington Nationals: A blank check
Bryce Harper is arguably the best player in baseball. He is just 23 years old and is due to hit the free agent market following the 2018 season when he will have just turned 26. The way the market has developed in recent years, it looks like Harper will command a ten-year deal worth about $700 trillion.
Harper is the cornerstone of the Washington Nationals franchise. The Nats need to keep him on their team for his whole career, but will almost certainly have trouble affording it.
That’s where Santa comes in. A huge blank check for Bryce Harper’s enormous impending contract, directly from the North Pole to the District of Columbia, is exactly what the Nationals want to find under their Christmas tree. That way, they can give Harper the bajillion dollar contract he will be seeking and make him a fixture in the nation’s capital for years to come. Future Republican nominee Donald Trump may also be able to squeeze some money out of the national budget for Harper.
Stocking Stuffers: a razor for Jayson Werth and a closer who maybe won’t attempt to strangle the best baseball player in the universe.
On second thought, Santa, ditch the razor. Let Werth keep his magnificent beard.